Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Boss...

Recently, while far away from my wife, I Googled Does being pregnant make you bossy?  I found no definite answer but instead managed to find results that made me feel like jerk.   Scrolling down the screen, I spotted words such as hormones, swollen, weight gain, and other adverse effects of carrying a baby.  With all of this happening to my wife's body, I’m feeling down? 
Let me explain, here are a few examples of the plight of the expecting father:
I am no longer a husband.  I am the man who did this to her. As she puts her anti-stretch-mark-cream on her belly I can feel a chill up my spine from her ice cold stare.  Where is the Glow?
She will change her mind in a second without notice and then I am to adapt on the fly to her fleeting wishes.  A pregnant woman’s logic, however skewed, is not to be questioned.
I am never, ever to complain about being uncomfortable, sick, or upset until I try caring my big-headed baby around every day.
As soon as a discarded item hits the trash bag the garbage stinks and therefore must be taken outside.  She has the sense of smell of an English Foxhound.  The other day she smelled a picture of an orange.

My already irritating habit of leaving kitchen cabinets open is now a capital offense, punishable by 30 tongue lashings and a cold shoulder.
If I want to sleep in the bed with her I had better cling to the edge and wear a gas mask not use any covers.
And finally, last night I was on the customer service line with Target in regards to a crib (Thanks Grandma and Grandpa!) we received with a broken part.  Having worked customer service long ago, I always try to be as patient and polite as possible.  My wife circled as I spoke, ready to pounce while asking questions and instructing me on what to say. I tried to pleasantly gather information from the agent on the phone, while trying to listen to my wife at the same time.  After a half hour of this I was exasperated, I snuck into the other room, looking both ways down the hall as I whispered, Listen lady, we can do this the easy way or the hard way, we have to work together… trust me, you don’t want me to hand the phone over to my wife!

No comments:

Post a Comment