A Breast Man...

From day one our son has been a breast fed baby. He took to the boob without much fuss and never looked back.  Mornings began with a little feeding, as well as nap times, fussy times, and of course nighttime.  Now that he's taken to solid foods, snacking on Cheerios and sharing fig newtons with Daddy, I ask....When do we pull the plug?  

We're approaching the one year mark and he's still all about the boob.  I mean he really likes the boob. This leaves us wondering when exactly, will we wean this kid.  Two years? Three years?   When he comes home from school as a teenager and calls out in that deep, yet uninterested adolescent voice, Mom, were like, all out of milk and I have a full bowl of cereal....Come here....Is that when it just becomes too creepy to continue? I mean there has to be an end, right?

Okay, I'm getting carried away.  And get it. The boob is his safety net. But he’s a little overzealous about the whole deal— climbing up on his mom and trying to pull her shirt off, I mean, guys have gone to jail for less. He's shameless, a tyrant who refuses to relinquish his reign and it make take a full on revolution to change things...

I miss the days that my wife’s boobs were more than just feeding devices—there, I said it. I’m tired of sharing.

So with this in mind I did a little research and found this nugget on The Mayo Clinic’s website:

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends exclusive breast-feeding for the first six months after birth — and breast-feeding in combination with solids foods until at least age 1. Extended breast-feeding is recommended as long as you and your baby wish to continue.

Wish to continue? We have no say in this. Our little leach wishes to continue as long as the well is pumping.   Place boob in mouth.  Repeat.  He falls asleep holding on to it for safe keeping. Sometimes grabbing both.

And here’s more:

If you're weaning a child age 1 or older, consider not offering this feeding and seeing if he or she requests it.

Requests?  This isn't some top 40 radio station call in line.  There are no requests, only demands. 

Here's the deal:  No boob, no sleep. And don’t let him catch her with the breast pump; it’s like watching an episode of Cheaters. Once he lays eyes on the goods, things fall apart.   We have to quickly pack up and rush to secure the liquid gold before there is a full on panic. 

Breastfeeding is a supply and demand situation. If demands are not met, there will be consequences. So at eleven months there’s no reason to stop his gravy train quite yet, but the end is in sight, whether he knows it or not...

The Reliever

According to Wikipedia--only the most trusted source of information in the world, a relief pitcher enters the game after the starting pitcher is removed due to injury or ineffectiveness, fatigue, or other strategic reasons. 

I wonder if lack of breast milk falls under the vast scope of strategic reasons.  For all I know it could be a banned substance.

Barry Bonds admits to drinking breast milk during record breaking season!!! 

It wouldn’t surprise me. 

And I shouldn't have been surprised when I came home from work and walked into the buzz saw that was my house. Our son was on nap strike, refusing to budge and voicing his displeasure with shrieks that had the dogs running for cover.

None of our tricks were working (having been a parent for 5 weeks, our bag of tricks is a bit sparse), and it seemed we were in for a long night.  I couldn't help but laugh as we sat down to eat dinner at the table, where my wife ate her dinner with one hand while feeding our baby with the other.  This is exactly what I envisioned on our first date when we sipped adult beverages and ate dinner at a human pace. 

At seven he was crying, by 9 he was still going strong, by 11 he was doing the Harlem Shake.  As our starting pitcher, my wife was fatigued.  Phone the bullpen, it’s time for some relief.

As a rookie, I was a little nervous getting the call. Blissfully asleep on my side of the bed, I usually come in and sleepwalk through a diaper change a few times during the night.  But my wife informed me that after 18 hours, she needed a break.  She had nursed and burped, she had done all she could.  Chalk it up to fatigue, I began warming up.

I was surprisingly serviceable.  After a shaky start, I warmed up and after some fussing, I was able to get the little guy to finally drift off, giving my wife an hour and a half of well deserved rest.

Getting the call, I was happy to step up and be of some use.  Well not happy, but glad to come in and help.