Hey buddy, what's wrong? Is something bothering you? Please, let Daddy know so he can help you feel better. Or shriek, that works too..
Look, I get it. You’re unhappy about something, is it your living conditions? Is your humidifier not set to your liking? What about the toys, are there too many? I know it can be hard to choose which one to play with. What about the book choices? Pandora station. High chair position? Pampers or Huggies? Some real tough sledding here. Wait, it’s those awful Pottery Barn curtains isn’t it? Be careful, your mother likes them. Besides, I'm still woozy from donating all that plasma...
So what else? As the lower half of your personal staff, I’m on call and dedicated to you and your happiness. We aim to please, and I want to get this right, yet sometimes we may come on too strong. Like in the mornings, when we bust in and start celebrating and showering you with too much praise for sleeping. But it's such an incredible feat. Sleeping.
Perhaps it’s the way we show affection, we get carried away at times. Do we kiss on your cheeks too eagerly? After all, I know about your sensitive skin...Aha! I know what it is. We’re wiping your butt too hard as we literally pamper you, that’s it, isn’t it? No? Son, please, try and tell me so that we can remedy whatever ails you.
Let’s move on to breakfast. Hmm, is it the way your bananas are diced? We can try small wedges from here on out, okay? What else, is Mommy spoon feeding your yogurt too fast? Not fast enough? I’ll have a talk with her.
What about getting dressed, that’s not much fun is it? The way mom zips up your jacket while Daddy rams your feet into your shoes. Is your wardrobe team not meeting your needs? It’s hard to find good people these days, we’ll straighten things out for you.
Okay, this is good, I’m happy that you’re voicing your concerns. Let's take our time and get this right. How's the nose wiping? I agree, it would be much easier to use your sleeve. But Mom insists on doing if for you.
And dinner has been a little bumpy lately. Well of course you should be allowed to hand off the yucky stuff to the dogs, in a perfect world anyhow. I know you like cheese and bread, but your personal chef insists on those green things as well. I’ll see what I can do, okay?
Bath time seems to be good, no problems there. You’re like a fish flailing around in the tub, my little Nemo.
So that takes us to bedtime. Our bed? No your bed is much better, trust me. Besides, the way you throw your head around like a runaway bowling ball, Dad may not have any teeth left. But I’ll check on you every ten minutes, okay?
So let’s see. You’re fed, clothed, bathed, and entertained. Not bad for a 1 year old. Not bad at all. And between you and me, I would enjoy it Son, because when you're older and cry at these really ridiculous things, we're going to laugh.
Count on it...